Love in Loss

I chose love. 

I’ve been away for a couple months now. I never intended to be, but sometimes life takes over and you can’t do anything but surrender. 

I got pregnant sometime in August.

It wasn’t a planned thing and as the pregnancy sickness kicked in and took over my life, I really had to sit with that and really feel what was happening from a heart-centred place.

I realized that although this wasn’t in my plans, I felt such immense gratitude and joy that all of these souls have chosen me to bring them into this world. I really don’t take that lightly. It’s such an honour, and every day I hope I’m doing a good job being their mama. 

I had an ultrasound on October 18th. I knew something was wrong the moment I looked at the screen. I’ve had 8 babies before, I knew it shouldn’t look like that. This baby was too small. 

I could do nothing except lay there on the table watching the worried expression on the ultrasound tech’s face. She even brought her colleague in to check her work, they exchanged worried glances. She kept looking, searching the screen, saying the baby was “just small”, but I knew, and I knew she couldn’t tell me. After a really long, uncomfortable process I said it was ok to stop. I was sad, but calm. I told her that I had 8 children and I knew ultrasounds don’t look like that. She looked at me and said “you know better than me.” And I went home.

I had the weekend to process the thought of this loss on my own, while everyone around me wanted to cling to hope, I didn’t argue and even though I knew the reality of what I saw, part of me really hoped they were right. 

I sat most of the weekend in stillness. I knew I had two choices: I could be angry and freak out, (which would be completely valid, and believe me, I did have my moments) or I could choose gratitude and do this with love. Love for myself and for this baby. 

I chose love. I really felt that it was so important, that no matter how this little soul exited my body, alive or dead, it deserved to do it surrounded by love.  

The call came from my midwife Monday morning, baby died at 7 weeks. 

So much more happened, so this surely won’t be the only post I make about this. I think it’s important to talk about these things, there isn’t enough information or support out there for pregnancy loss. 

So if you’re out there, and you’re struggling, I see you. I’m sorry. And you are so loved.